Working fot the man

Everything is quite heavy now. So I try not to think. Only think about the summer, the sun. But there are lots of things that have to be done. Work, and not to mention schoolwork. Working today. It feels so pointless. I have been working at an old peoples home for three years, gotten a good pay raise every year, but I got tired of the job. I liked it, but I needed to see something else, do something else. It wasn't the job I wanted to have for the rest of my life. I wanted to see more. I wasn't satisfied. And so now I have a new job. Or actually, I got a new job in spring. At a bar/restaurant/nightclub. I loved it, the people there were wonderful, my collegues were great and helpful and it felt like I was doing a good job. My boss liked me, I got to serve at her wedding. I loved it because the people I worked with really gave me feedback on what I was doing. But then the summer came, and they havn't really got any work for me because they have to prioritize the people who have worked there longer than me. So I havn't been working for them this summer. I had to get a new job, at a place that I hate. My colegues are rude and don't cooperate. The job is new to me so naturally I don't know everything, but I want to learn. They are not very helpful though. I feel like I'm walking on tip toe all the time. I am really trying my best, but when you never get to hear anything positive, never get any feedback on what you are doing, have to listen to sexistic comments from your collegues all day..... well then the job kind of looses it's charm... Also, I am down to really bad pay again. I am new in this field of work, so I know I cant expect good wages yet. But I have worked for 3 years to get where I got and now I am down to zero again, working with something I really hate and still not getting enough hours per week to actually live a decent life. I manage, but I hate living off my boyfriend. I HATE it! I want to be able to stand up on my own. I promised myself to keep working at this place at least through the summer. Because it is a place with really high reputation, and it does look good on the CV to have worked there. But I am not sure I will cope. I come home and just want to cry. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Sometimes, when everything gets too hard, I just want to go back in time, become a child, go to school, live with my parents. Just to have that secure surrounding, classmates to meet everyday, the old routine. When everything is heavy I just want to go back. Not that it was ever easy at that time eather. There were loads of other problems then that were bigger then I could handle. But at lest they were apart from myself. The affected me of course. But they were not mine in that sense, I couldn't do anything about them except hide and run. School was a good place to hide. Like a different world in comparison to the grownups world. It was our world, we wrote the rules. Well I didn't, but the cool kids did. But it was still ours, in a way no adult could really understand. Whatever rules they made, we always had our own. It wasn't always easy, but it was smaller, manageable. Sometimes I just feel this world is too big for me. What ever I do, no one will ever notice, things will never change. I know it sounds negative, but thats how I feel right now. It just feels pointless. I am doing a job I don't even like, I only get 4hour workdays, and when I finish it feels like I've worked 10 hours, I am just exhausted. So I work like 8 hours /week, which is absolutely NOTHING. I am used to working 10 hours per day normally. AND on top of that my wages are shit. I am working today. I don't want to go, I don't want to go. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. I feel like a ten year old that is afraid of being bullied at school. Fuck. Ok, if it doesn't get better I am going to quit. I give it two more weeks. (I have already booked myself up for two weeks) Sorry about all the negativism. I'll give you a happy picture to make up for it. Pick nick yesterday with a couple of friends. It is an I phone-Polaroid. Not mine though, I don't have one. I would really love to have a Polaroid camera. A real one. maybe sometime I will...